Setting Healthy Boundaries this Holiday Season

The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, togetherness, and celebration. However, for many, it can also evoke feelings of anxiety, stress, and grief, particularly when it comes to family dynamics. Navigating these complexities while maintaining your emotional well-being can be challenging, and establishing healthy boundaries is a key part of this process. In this blog post, we'll define what boundaries are (and what they are not), and offer practical strategies to support you in establishing and maintaining them—not just throughout the holiday season, but all year long.

What are Boundaries?

Boundaries are limits that a person creates in order to protect their sense of peace and safety in their relationships, defining the line between what we are willing to accept, and what we are not. The purpose of boundaries is to allow us to continue engaging in our relationships in a way that feels supportive to us. At their core, healthy boundaries are about self-respect and self-care. They are a way to honor our own needs, values, and well-being. Boundaries can be set with ourselves and with one another, and can come in various forms; Emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, sexual boundaries, time boundaries, and material boundaries are among those that come up most often in my work with clients.

What Boundaries are Not:

While boundaries are essential in any relationship—whether with family, friends, coworkers, or romantic partners—the concept is sometimes misunderstood. Sometimes, boundaries are misused when they are framed as demands or expectations of how others should behave. Boundaries are ultimately about taking responsibility for our own emotions and needs—by clearly expressing what we want and require, prioritizing our well-being, and honoring our personal limits.

When we attempt to change someone else’s behavior, we often end up feeling frustrated or disappointed. While it’s important to feel safe and respected in our relationships, trying to change others usually doesn’t lead to the desired outcome, and instead, can foster resentment and strain the relationship. The key is to remember that we can only control our own actions and behaviors. Empowerment comes from honoring our own needs and choosing how we engage with others, rather than trying to change them.

Challenges with Boundaries:

One challenge with setting boundaries, can be navigating others’ responses to our boundaries. Some folks may feel threatened or uncomfortable in response to a boundary, especially if they are used to crossing those said boundaries, or if the boundary is new to them. This reaction can influence feelings of guilt or anxiety for the person implementing the boundary, making it difficult to stand firm. In these moments, it’s important to practice self-validation. If someone responds defensively or dismissively, it may be a reflection of their own discomfort with the new dynamics being established. As humans, we often resist change, particularly in family relationships where patterns have often been long established over the years. It can be helpful to acknowledge that others’ defensiveness or dismissiveness is a common reaction, and it does not invalidate your needs, nor does it invalidate your right to set boundaries.

Self-affirmation statements to support with implementing and maintaining healthy boundaries:

• I am worthy of respect.

• My needs are valid.

• I cannot control how others react, though I can control my choices and my responses to their behavior.

• Setting boundaries is a form of self-care, and I prioritize my well-being.

Practical Strategies for Setting Healthy Boundaries:

To further support your boundary-setting efforts, consider these strategies:

1. Use “I-statements”. Setting boundaries is most generally most effective when we use "I-statements" to express our needs. This allows us to take ownership of our feelings, making it easier for the other person to hear us without getting defensive or shutting down. On the other hand, "You-statements" can come across as blaming or judgmental, making it hard to have a productive and open conversation.

Examples:

“You need to give me more notice when plans change”. —> “I feel anxious when plans change last-minute, and would appreciate more notice when there’s a change to our schedule”.

“You need to watch your tone!” —> "I feel overwhelmed when you raise your voice, and ask that you try to speak more calmly.”

2. Communicate Clearly — Others Cannot Read Our Minds. Those around us can't know how we feel or what we need unless we express it clearly. While it’s easy to assume that others understand, doing so can lead to misunderstandings. By communicating openly, we give others the opportunity to recognize and respect our boundaries, fostering healthier, more supportive relationships.

3. Consistency is key. When we stick to our boundaries, not only are we practicing self-love and self-respect by prioritizing our needs, we are also reinforcing our commitment, and demonstrating to others that we are serious about our needs.

4. Practice self-compassion. Setting boundaries, especially as a new practice, can bring up feelings of guilt or self-doubt. Remind yourself that prioritizing your well-being is not selfish; it’s necessary for healthy relationships. Treat yourself with kindness as you navigate this process.

5. Cope-ahead. Anticipate potential pushback, and consider how you’ll respond. Sometimes, it can be helpful to roleplay these conversations to help ease anxiety and boost confidence. Additionally, it may be supportive to identify some calming and self-regulation techniques to bring with you into the conversation. Emotional regulation plays a key role in effective communication.

5. Be Mindful. Before setting a boundary, take a moment to reflect on why it matters to you. Ask yourself what specific needs you are trying to protect. For example, if you’re setting a boundary around family gatherings to reduce stress, you might remind yourself that prioritizing your mental health allows you to engage more positively when you are present. Being mindful of your intentions can support with remaining grounded throughout your conversation.

7. Lean on support. Surround yourself with those who validate and respect your boundaries. Sharing your experiences can help you feel less alone, and can provide you with encouragement to uphold your boundaries.