Reclaiming Your True Self: Recovering from the Need to Please
Throughout life, some individuals may find that they’ve developed “people-pleasing” tendencies to protect themselves from rejection, conflict, or the emotional reactivity of others. While this self-projective strategy can feel necessary in certain moments, over time it can lead to a quiet form of self-abandonment. As licensed marriage and family therapist, Vienna Pharon, shared recently, “When we’re in constant consideration and prioritization of someone else– what they’ll think, how they’ll feel, how they might respond– it requires us to disconnect from ourselves and what is most in alignment for us”. As a result, it can become difficult–even confusing–to recognize what we truly need or want for ourselves.
Here I’ve shared a collection of reflection questions, broken into five parts, to gently support those who may be seeking to reconnect to their inner voice. It’s an invitation to identify and explore your personal wants, needs, and desires—things that may have historically been overshadowed by the perceived needs of others. As you go through these questions, please do so compassionately and without judgement. Getting to know yourself in this way may feel different or a little uncomfortable at first, though it is a brave and a compassionate step toward living more authentically, setting healthy boundaries, and nurturing your own well-being. You are worthy of honoring your own needs, just as much as you honor those of the people around you.
Step 1: Getting to Know Your Preferences
Big questions like “What do I want?” may feel overwhelming. It can be helpful to begin by noticing small preferences in everyday life.
Explore the following questions based on your first instinct:
What clothes make me feel most comfortable or confident? Do I find myself gravitating toward certain textures, colors, or styles?
What allows me to unwind and relax? Do I prefer quiet activities (like reading, taking a bath), or something more active (like going for a walk, preparing a meal)?
Where do I feel most calm or peaceful? (In a quiet room? In nature? Cuddling with my dog?)
How does it feel to spend time alone? Do I feel energized or drained after socializing?
Step 2: Developing Mindful Awareness
Learning to understand our feelings and emotions plays a big role in identifying and honoring our wants and needs.
For each situation, consider your emotional and physical reactions:
Listening to music
What comes up emotionally?
What physical sensations do I notice?
How does this change when I choose a new song or genre?
Receiving a compliment
What comes up emotionally?
What physical sensations do I notice?
What emotional urges or reactions do I experience?
Taking a short break
What happens to my body and mind when I take a break?
Do I feel relief? Do I feel restless?
Spending time in nature
How do I feel emotionally?
When I’m outside, what sensations do I notice in my body?
When someone asks for my help with something
What comes up emotionally?
What physical sensations do I notice?
What emotional urges or reactions do I experience?
After reflecting on these questions, you might choose to continue practicing mindfulness by paying attention to the thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations that arise throughout your day. Take note of what these feelings and sensations may be revealing about your current state, and what they might be telling you about your needs or desires.
Step 3: Exploring Self-Care Needs
When we have become so focused on the needs of others, our own needs may go unnoticed or overlooked. These questions are focused on reconnecting with your own self-care needs, so that you can begin nurturing yourself with the same care that you so often give to others.
Reflect on the following areas of self-care, and consider how you might like to support yourself in each one:
Rest & Sleep: What helps me feel rested? How much sleep do I need to help me feel refreshed and energized?
Physical Care: How does my body feel cared for?
Emotional Care: What kinds of emotional support or space feel helpful for me?
Social Care: What types of social interactions feel fulfilling to me? What types of social interactions feel draining to me?
Spiritual Care: What activities help me feel inspired, connected, or grounded?
Step 4. Connecting with Desire: What Brings You Joy?
Desires are meaningful and valuable, no matter how big or small. This exercise can help you reconnect with what brings you joy, fulfillment, and a sense of purpose.
Consider the following questions:
What activities make me feel happy? What activities make me feel energized or purposeful?
What is one thing I would like to learn more about?
Is there something I have always wanted to do or try?
When do I feel most authentically myself?
Part 5. Knowing Your Values
Understanding your values helps you connect with what feels true and meaningful for you, allowing you to live in a way that aligns with your authentic self. When you are clear about your values, it becomes easier to recognize and honor your own wants and needs with compassion.
Consider the following questions:
What are 3-5 of my core values? (Examples: Kindness? Integrity? Honesty? Loyalty?)
Pick one of your identified values. What might it look like to live in alignment with this value?
How might this feel?
Pick one of your identified values. What might it look like to live misaligned with this value?
How might this feel?
What is one way I would like to practice living in alignment with my values?
